Several months ago I read a book that talked a little about being scared to hope. (I’ve previously written about another nugget I learned from it here.) When I was reading this book and I got to the part about hope, it actually resonated with a situation I was in the midst of. I had a big dream that I could see actually becoming reality, and I was literally feeling sick and scared to hope rather than be excited.
Then fast-forward a few months. I’ve found myself in another situation that should be exciting and hopeful. I’m sitting right on the edge of something wonderful. And yet, I realize once again that I’m scared to have hope. Sensing a pattern here, I started to examine my feelings and thoughts.
I was torn up inside about it. I wanted to be happy and excited, and mostly to be at peace. And I remembered the book and went back to dig into it again. I had to see what I could learn about myself and how i could pray to see things differently.
From Looking for Lovely by Annie F. Downs:
“So when I feel like hoping for something could make me float away into an ocean of fear or disappointment, I remember that Jesus holds me, protects me and keeps me calm. He is my hope. “
This. This sums it all up for me. I can be so fearful that I’ll be disappointed. That the big thing that I’ve desperately wanted will also be scary, and challenging and messy. And now that it’s really happening, am I ready? Will I mess it up? Can I allow my heart to fully feel the excitement? I want to remain guarded, but there’s no joy living in that place.
My hope is not in myself and how I will handle what is coming. I know that I will make mistakes. I know there will be disappointments. The hope I have is a living hope that Peter speaks of. Which brings me to another quote from the same book:
“So what if after we have suffered, persevered, and allowed our character to grow, Jesus infuses life into the hope that has been deposited in our hearts?”
I started praying for Jesus to infuse life into the hope that was in my heart. I believe the hope is there because I have gone through the process outlined in Romans 5:3-5 of enduring and patience and growing something. But now that it’s time, I’m scared to feel it. i can’t experience it on my own or in my own power, but I can through His.
The road ahead will be messy and likely hard to navigate, but the rewards will be rich. The excitement of what’s to come is real, and I want to embrace it fully. So I’m praying that Jesus will keep infusing life into the hope that is growing in my heart.