Six weeks ago today, I went into the attic to pull out some boxes and look for something. I had no idea what that simple task I had done so many times before would set into motion.
Exiting the attic, I backed out and hit the back of my head on the short door frame. It stunned me and it hurt, but I still had no idea that six weeks later I would be talking about it.
I had a mild concussion, and I spent a lot of days feeling that life was happening to me. And life was taking all of my energy, so much so that I had nothing left to talk about, write about or even really think about and process how I was feeling. Today is the first day that I finally thought I could try writing. That I wasn’t too tired, dizzy, or slow-thinking. That I wasn’t scared the screen would send me into blurred vision and ultimately to bed in pain as it has several days before. Actually, I am still a bit scared so this will be short.
For the last few weeks I’ve tried to be there for the things I’ve deemed most important and the things that I thought would keep me sane. I’d say I’m operating at about 60 percent now. Meaning I haven’t exercised or done any cleaning in weeks. I’ve cooked dinner about a total of 3 times. I’ve only gone to the grocery store to grab a thing or two but not a full-blown shopping trip.
I still forget things. I feel anxious like crazy about silly things. I get sad or irritable. I feel dizzy. I take naps and sleep a ton. I know this is all normal from a concussion, but it’s hard to get used to. It just seems to go on and on.
For a while I wondered when I would get back to “normal”. But after about three weeks, I realized that I would never go back to being the same way and that really scared me. Sure, I feel fairly confident that all of my mental capacity and energy will be completely restored. But there are parts of me that will never be the same. The process…the “letting go” I’ve had to do, the forced changes in my priorities…are all changing me and I’m waiting to see where it lands.
The things God is teaching me are countless. Articulating those in any kind of great way is still not something I can do, but I look forward to being able to one day. His love for me has sustained me.
I don’t know how to end this neatly. Maybe because it’s still messy in real life and it’s still happening to me. And it’s certainly still messy and not wrapped up well in my mind. So I’ll just say that I’m so glad I have hope. Hope that I will continue to feel better and that through all of this, God is making changes in me that will ultimately be really good.